To Suffer – What It Has Done For Me
It took me 26 years to move out of the place I was born and raised – Sydney.
For the couple of years leading up to moving to Cambodia, I began to get very itchy feet. I started to feel suffocated. I didn’t even know where I was going to move to. All I knew was, there was a whole world out there waiting to be explored and if I didn’t build up the balls to just go in spite of all the risks involved, I would regret it for the rest of my life.
In fact, I left out of necessity. By that stage, my innate sense of curiosity and my desire to explore and expand had taken over and the only thing I cared about was where and how was I going to pull this off.
I remember the exact location I was in where I had a major breakthrough. It was about 4-6 months away from when I had made a commitment to set off as of June 2018. I didn’t know where the fuck I was going, I just knew I was going in June. I was cleaning the garden of a huge paper mill factory in La Parouse. I needed to make some money and at the time, I had picked up small temp roles doing all different sorts of things.
It struck me that afternoon. I was going to become a digital marketer and I was going to offer my service to an overseas hotel in exchange for basic living things like food and a bed to sleep on. I knew that that was where I was going to start, and I was okay with the thought of what was going to be a very humble beginning.
I look back now and after the amount of soul searching I’ve done so far, I see a lot of common patterns. I think back to when I was just 3 years old. I wanted to be a pilot so I could travel the world. At age 10 I was copying world maps out of atlases and colouring them in scrapbooks. I can get lost in a world map.
I’ve done some deeper psychological research on myself in this time, usually through analytical pieces of writing that I use as a method to delve deeper into my psyche. I’ve done a couple of tests on certain things like personality and emotional intelligence.
The personality test I have done is called ‘The Big 5 Personality Test’. To cut it short, there are 5 dimensions to our personality and one of those dimensions is what you call openness to experience. You can either be low, average or high in this dimension of your personality. My score in this was extremely high.
What connection could I make from that? – these desires to want to explore and expand. They have always been there. This keenness to open new boxes and take risks is something that I’ve always felt. I just had different outlets growing up.
This is not to say that my keenness to explore is something that never causes me to suffer in life. I am only just starting to learn about what sort of hardships come with living this life. I’m just new to this game and I can tell you, I struggle a heck of a lot. There are so many times when I’m so fucking frustrated and emotional and I ask myself, “Did I really sign up for this?”.
What makes this most real though is the suffering that is experienced. I came to suffer, when I think about it. I came because I wanted to take a risk and try and pull off something that I truly believed in, like coming over and making a positive impact, but I also came here to experience suffering.
It’s the suffering experienced within myself and the suffering seen from my environment which has been the source of my learning, and I love to learn.
My sense of curiosity is potent enough that it has landed me in a town I had no idea existed just a year ago and it has got me doing things that I never thought I could do – The reality of that is what brings me my source of happiness and joy.